Panther Chan / A Thought of Heaven

If you were to quantify the standards of happiness, what indicators would you use? A rich social circle, an enviable career, a harmonious family, or a stable material life?

Everyone has a different understanding of happiness, but in pursuit of our ideal happiness, we all strive and chase after it. Yet, every time we glance at our bank account figures or scroll through glamorous posts on social media, there is always a sense of inexplicable loss within, as if we are chasing an endless illusion and still feel distant from true happiness.

When this question was posed to Chen Lei (Panther), she paused in silence, lost in thought.

Looking back fifteen years, that young figure who came to Hong Kong from Guangzhou to carve out a path, after rising from obscurity to stepping onto the stage of the Red Pavilion and becoming a gold medal-winning female singer in the music industry, has finally found the right place to stride confidently towards a trajectory of happiness. However, over the years, her understanding of “happiness” has undergone a complete transformation.

That person who once embraced a mindset of living towards death, after bringing the “Nian” concert to the Hong Kong Coliseum, where does her happiness ultimately lie? A thought of heaven, a thought of hell, pain and happiness often exist in a fine line. Why not take a moment to calm your mind and listen to the “Pure Land” within this artist’s heart?

Happiness is Not Easy

Flipping through Chen Lei’s social media, you often see her sporting a bright short hairstyle, exuding a sense of straightforwardness, elegance, yet rebelliousness. Sometimes she shares her exquisite knitted handmade crafts, other times she showcases the beautiful sceneries from her travels, and occasionally she picks up a game controller, diving into the world of video games and conquering everything in her path. She approaches her various interests and hobbies with utmost seriousness.

Despite the ever-changing nature of life, her passion for music remains unwavering. On stage, with her guitar in hand, she shines brightly, exuding both an ethereal presence and a commanding aura, effortlessly captivating the audience with her stage presence.

This happiness truly comes with great difficulty. During the conversation, Chen Lei couldn’t help but express a hint of emotion: “In the past, I never thought about what happiness really meant. I just felt like, why is it that things that come so easily to others seem to take me so long to pursue or fight for?”

Her dreams are grand and unwavering, but reality is strewn with thorns. Though she is not afraid of the dust and wandering in pursuit of her dreams, scars are inevitably left behind. The trepidation and unease about the future have at times transformed into a whirlwind of emotions that threatened to engulf her.

Not long ago, she listened to a demo she created ten years ago and couldn’t help but exclaim: “It turns out I was so EMO back then! It seems like I was really immersed in EMO emotions, believing that creativity should come from a sense of alcohol and solitude. So I often stayed home alone, drinking and writing songs, which led to some of my later works, like the track ‘Panic’ from my early album ‘1029’.”

／Everyone loves to see the bizarre and the tragic, as if one is experiencing their own consequences
Letting anxiety mix with peanuts and wine, aimlessly playing to watch who falls from grace／
——<慌>

“Looking back at my childhood, I was also someone who easily felt dissatisfied and was quite cynical about many things. However, I believe that by the time I released my music and was heard by everyone, I had already moved past that stage, so people couldn’t appreciate my cynical side.” Chen Lei candidly expressed.

Perhaps it is precisely for this reason that a series of dark rock works were born, such as “Samsara,” “Devilish Era,” “Guilty by Observation,” “In the Name of Justice,” and “Filthy Society.” Whether it is sarcasm, mockery, roaring, or anger, behind the seemingly uncontrollable hysteria lies a sincere heart that refuses to compromise with the mundane world.

／One must follow rules and guidelines at birth; promotions and salary increases do not depend on quality work.
It’s truly frustrating, truly frustrating; I no longer want to exhaust this bloodied body／
—— 〈Low-Class Society〉

Awakening in the Low Tide

“I think that in my own songs, the flavor of stubbornness is stronger than so-called positivity.” Chen Lei said.

／Miracles teach me to trust no fate, no matter how painful  From the dead end, I learn to appreciate the traces of struggle／
—— 〈The Absence of God’s Proof〉

This stubbornness stems from the lows and struggles experienced in life. “During that time, I constantly doubted myself and did not enjoy being in that state, so I began to seek various ways to break through, including reading and exploring spiritual solace.”

As a result, reading not only nourished her knowledge but also became an important opportunity for a transformation of the soul. “Inspired by books, I gradually felt comfortable and my mindset became more laid-back. I am very thankful for those books that always rank at the top of bestseller lists, because I have truly realized why they can attract so many readers and why so many people need them.” She specifically mentioned “The Courage to Be Disliked,” “This book not only changed many of my ways of thinking, but also helped me understand that unhappiness should not be attributed to external factors like parents, background, or past experiences; instead, I can change my attitude towards various situations myself.”

However, this realization also surprisingly appeared in her beloved anime, “Last night before bed, I watched ‘Solo Leveling.’ There was a term that left a deep impression on me, called ‘Second Awakening.’ Looking back at my life, I realized that I have also experienced many moments of awakening, and these moments of insight stem from the reflections and processes that each low point and difficulty have brought me.” At the same time, it sparked her deep thoughts on self-growth. “For example, the title — ‘Solo Leveling,’ I have also had moments of feeling isolated and helpless, even having some worries. Even if I talk to someone or receive plenty of advice and positive information, I still need my own awakening to truly make a change. It is only when we undergo a transformation deep within ourselves that we can genuinely experience happiness.”

／In the past, you have experienced smooth sailing as well as ups and downs; all these experiences will be treasures in your life／
—— 〈Believe that everything is for the best〉

Although there were those bewildering days that led her to face many setbacks in her search for happiness, there is no denying that those experiences became the nourishment for her creativity. For instance, during the career challenges she faced in 2018, she wrote “The Songs I Listen to When I Am Lost,” candidly revealing her confusion and growth; along with “Journey,” “Are You Happy?,” “Living for Entertainment,” and “Run Away,” each song permeates with her soul, transforming those inexpressible emotions into melodies, leaving a mark on her life and resonating with her listeners.

Perhaps it is this unwavering resilience in the face of fierce beasts, coupled with a lingering touch of gentleness amidst the intensity, that truly highlights Chen Lei’s authenticity and true character.

／Even if I fall and end up covered in scars, sinking in quicksand, I’m not afraid／
—— 〈The Song I Listen to When I’m Lost〉

【The Cycle of Happiness】

The transformation from within is the most cherished nourishment in her creations; and the creative process itself is an accumulation of happiness.

From seeking inspiration and absorbing knowledge to completing her work and sharing it with the audience, each step brings her a sense of fulfillment, and this happiness accumulates through these stages. Therefore, in addition to reading and watching anime, traveling, conversing with friends, and reading letters from fans have all become sources of inspiration for her creativity.

However, in recent years, she has also gained the title of “music industry social worker.” When asked about it, Chen Lei humbly expressed feeling a bit of pressure regarding this title: “I’m starting to regret it a little; I shouldn’t have mentioned this name on the radio.” She smiled while revealing a look of regret, “Because I believe that it’s not just my music that can heal people; in fact, every singer and their different works can definitely heal different people.”

She also candidly admitted that her music is not all positive and uplifting; it’s just that the songs that are popular happen to be those with healing power, which led her to ponder: “Is it because everyone unintentionally hopes to gain some positive energy from me?”

Therefore, she hopes to continuously absorb new knowledge and create more diverse works, offering audiences broader perspectives for reflection, providing comfort and strength in tumultuous times. She is also unwilling to settle for repeating similar “healing formulas.” “No matter what type of work I create, the work itself is a form of companionship. I hope everyone can feel that they are not alone in their EMO moments, but that we all share this experience together.”

／The world is absurd and cannot be changed  At least we can be together, don’t drift apart／
——〈Nian〉

【Courage to Move Forward】

Actually, everyone possesses happiness; it’s just that we often leave our happiness in the eyes of others. Especially in this age of big data, as external standards increase, we find ourselves further away from true fulfillment.

It is always difficult for people to truly quantify their sense of happiness, but one can’t help but ask Chen Lei, if she could score her happiness, what would it be?

“88 points, because I want to have a good omen.” After a smile, she added seriously, “Rather than asking me if I’m happy, I can’t help but ask back, what could possibly make me feel unhappy right now? My current life is already filled with many things that make me happy.”

After a moment of contemplation, she added: “However, there are certain factors that diminish it, such as becoming increasingly aware of the declining health of friends and family as one ages, which can subconsciously lessen the sense of happiness.”

At this moment, I really feel very small and unable to bring you joy. How many seconds and minutes are disturbed by anxiety?
Maybe I can’t feel your pain, I just want to say to you from the heart, I love you.
—— “Nian”

Chen Lei lamented that facing illness and life and death is the most helpless situation, and it is also the most vulnerable part of her emotions. This inevitably brings to mind the recent passing of a musical genius of our generation, which is profoundly saddening, but it also reminds people to cherish everything they have in front of them even more.

Just like in one of her works, “Fluorescence,” “the choice of the character ‘火’ in ‘熒’ is because it represents a faint light, and this song tells how to gradually expand this faint glow through one’s persistence and effort. For me, happiness is just like this, starting from capturing the little moments in life, ultimately converging into a richness of joy within.”

“Fluorescence,” although small, contains infinite possibilities and is worth cherishing.

Even if it’s like a grain of sand drifting in the vast universe, it must bloom again, unbothered by the wrongs of the road.
Endlessly magnifying the brilliant glow in my heart, you are the glow.
——〈Glow〉

This kind of inner peace and abundance, calmness and confidence, is the result of her years of spiritual practice.

The so-called paradise is never an unattainable shore, but rather the accumulation of those small moments in life; it’s not about pursuing perfection and flawlessness, but rather finding balance within imperfection; it’s not defined by external circumstances, but determined by inner awakening and growth.

Even if the road ahead is full of thorns, as long as you hold onto a steadfast belief, you will surely find that glimmer of light in the darkness.

^{执行制片人：Angus Mok
摄影师：Olivia Tsang
艺术指导：Mimi Kong 和 Olivia Tsang
造型：Mimi Kong 协助 Isla
采访：Louyi Wong
摄像：Alvin Kong &
视频编辑：Alvin Kong
化妆：Angel Mok
发型：Cliff Chan @ Myös
服装：Alexander McQueen
珠宝：Chopard
特别感谢 圣瑞吉酒店提供的绝佳拍摄地点}